literature

Nuclear Strikes On The Aorta

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Taka-san's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

Our lives will explode into quintillions of pieces
As the second hand only continues and decreases
We await that beautiful yet dreadful bomb to drop
That will make even the most sinister man's heart stop

Endlessly, the vicious cycle cannot be halted and still repeats.
Three Hundred and sixty five nights later, his coronaries are that of empty streets
The television's millions of flakes of static traverse the lengthy, wet grounds
An utter silence quickly turns the faces of boys into minuscule frowns

The solar eclipse only grows darker as the time gets near
to be sixty and five knots away from his one and only dear
Let your so-called relaxing intoxicant run its course
Don't even bother asking me for a drop of remorse

This apocalyptic tragedy could have been evaded
If the stars aligned just before they had faded
And being all too swift and had already been decided
If only on that day Mars and Venus could have collided
:meow:
Written in about half an hour.
Took my time on it for once.
Comments5
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mesmeric-revelation's avatar
I do enjoy this very much! Mostly when I read rhyming poetry, I get this cliched feeling from the structures demand on what words to use, but I like the almost non-rhyming flow of words.

The only critique I have, is if you want to go back and revise it, go through each line and make sure that the syllables have some sort of scheme. Sometimes it can get difficult, but having a set of syllables for each line makes it flow more smoothly.

Also, wordwise, rhyming is good. The only thing that I would change is the word miniscule. It doesn't really match the tone of the rest of the poem.

So that's all for critique... I really like this and if you need help with anything else, I'd be glad to! :)